Constance the Seventy-Eighth

two very different things that should really be two different post but both suck

2010-09-11T10:44:00.001-07:00

1 - My daughter just started kindergarten. Yesterday they all had to draw a picture of their "best friend" in the class - 20 kids who met a week ago. No one drew a picture of my daughter and now she wants to know why no one likes her.

2 - I had a miscarriage on September 11, 2004. It was the last time 9/11 was on a Saturday and I spent the day in the emergency room going through the hardest thing I have ever personally experienced with no way to escape the images of the worst thing I have ever seen. I rarely dwell on it but today being Saturday again I guess makes it harder. And then I feel like an asshole all "poor me" when so many people lost so much more. And I don't think my husband remembers. And we decided to try for another baby in May and I haven't had a period since June.

I am a sad sack today.

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Tiny Rant

2010-03-03T17:09:00.000-08:00

You know what really annoys me? When women are complaining about how much help they need at home with the day to day and they say, "What I need is a wife."

Boy, does that piss me off.

I hate that the word "wife" is considered a natural companion to "housework", "kids", "daily bullshit."

My husband and I both work full time, but his schedule is more open during the day. He takes my daughter to school every day and picks her up. He is getting better at pigtails and braids all the time. He takes her to soccer, he does the grocery shopping and the dishes and the laundry. I know sometimes it gets to him; I know it's tough.

If he EVER said that his life would be easier if he had a "wife", I would take him apart. But it would never occur to him to say that. It seems to be mostly women who use "wife" in such a manner, and I don't know man, it just irks the shit out of me.

It seems so fucking sexist. I don't know if it is being anti-sexism (like that's a thing. Is anyone pro-sexism?) or my personal situation that make me feel this way. I hate it. HATE IT.

Lump

2009-06-08T19:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I found a small (pencil eraser) sized lump under my armpit. It is deep under the skin, so I know it is not a pimple or an ingrown hair. It is not red and it doesn't hurt at all. You can't actually see it but you can feel it without putting pressure on it.

I don't have a family doctor; I never get sick so if I need a prescription I usually go to the clinic at the grocery store.

I am quietly freaking out. I don't know who to call or where to go. I haven't even told my husband or my sister because I am usually the one to talk them down and I am just not capable right now.

It's nothing, right? It's nothing.It's nothing.It's nothing.It's nothing.

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Update

Oh my god, I didn't realize that was my last post, and that I left it up for so long. It was nothing. Well, not nothing, but it was benign. All's well now.

Inauguration Day 09

2009-01-18T17:28:00.001-08:00

We are leaving bright and early tomorrow, heading down to DC for the inauguration. My husband's brother got us tickets to the swearing in ceremony and I am super excited.

I am 30 years old. I turned 18 in October of 1996 and in November I voted for Bill Clinton. I was glad he won, but too young/inexperienced/naive to think much about our government or our country of what it means to vote.

I voted for Al Gore in 2000 and was promptly jaded. I didn't even vote in 04. I wasn't loving Kerry and I live in a die hard blue state, so I convinced myself it didn't matter whether I voted or not. I had miscarried in September and again in October and was bearly leaving the house for anything, anyway. I regret it.

This year, this November, this Election Day, I arrived at the polling place before it opened. I couldn't wait to cast my vote. President-elect Obama has inspired me and I can't wait to see him take his oath of office.

I don't really want to get into reasons here, although this blog is more anonymous than my other blog, but I am just unbelievable souped.

I am going to be twittering, but I don't want to give out my twitter account here, just watch #inaug09.

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Unrelated: I am posting this from my new mini-laptop or net book or whatever and I am super excited about that too. No more blackberry posting, which was making me crazy.

Update-y

2009-01-04T18:41:00.001-08:00

My baby is in bed now. She only cried for 20 minutes tonight but she is still awake. It has been almost three hours. Better but still not good.

My husband is currently effing around with the ceiling fan in our family room. It broke like 18 months ago and we just bought a new one yesterday. Excepting about eight hours for sleep, he has been at it for 24 hours. I tried to help him yesterday but that resulted in a lot of yelling and hurt feelings.

Unfortunately, the man is not handy. Even more unfortunately, he doesn't seem to know it. I am very handy. But some bizarre combination of sexism and pride prevents him from allowing me to do anything but hold stuff.

So now he is still in there jerking around with it and I am in here listening to the baby sing to herself.

I have been on vacation since December 23 and I go back tomorrow. I hope I get up on time.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I need some help before I lose my fucking mind

2009-01-03T18:49:00.000-08:00

My daughter is three years old. We moved her from her crib to a toddler bed about a year ago. It was a little early but I had abdominal surgery and I couldn't lift her over the rail.

It went fine for a few months, but never mind fuck it

I can't tell the whole story because it is long and boring. The point is that a few weeks ago she started claiming that her belly hurts when she is alone and she needs someone to lay with her. Either my husband or I lie down with her until she falls asleep. She usually wakes up in the middle of the night and comes in our bed. By morning my husband is usually on the floor or sofa. She kicks out all night. We both work. The family bed is not for us

We decided to break her of this and now she has been crying for two hours straight. I know that is to be expected but she keeps choking and hyper ventilating.

I would really appreciate any advice or just words of encouragement. Please, before I lose it.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Late

2008-11-01T17:05:00.001-07:00

Everyone in my family is always late. Except me.

Since I am always on time, none of them know what it is like to sit alone in your house a half hour after the scheduled start time wondering if anyone is even coming.

I do. It sucks.

I Said I Wasn't Going to Write About Work Here

2008-08-06T20:25:00.001-07:00

You guys, I don't know which way is up sometimes.

My job is a ridiculous mess. My boss got fired in April for something that wasn't exactly illeagal, but was definitely unethical. We lost a million dollar account over it, and he was canned. I took over his entire job in addition to my own with no promotion or raise and the implication that I had better not even bother asking. In this economy they are relieved to be rid of a six figure salary.

This other guy in my office is mad at me because I am now in charge of all the high profile stuff and he has his same old crap job. Like that's my fault. I work my ass off and I make myself available for whatever needs to be done, while all he does is complain that he has too much work. Why would anyone assign him additional responsibilities? Any time I give anything to our shared clerk, he runs over to her and asks her what it was and why I can't do it myself. It is making me crazy.

So my old boss called me today and offered me a job where he ended up. It is more money and 20 minutes closer to my house. Less security though, I guess. I don't know if I want to even work with him again. He wasn't a bad boss but obviously his methods can be questionable. And the only reason I wasn't fired right with him is that I sent him an email before he did what he did warning him against it. A friend in the IT department told me that he pulled it off my email and provided it to the executive committee when they asked him to find proof that I was complicit. I don't know if Old Boss stood up for me even when he knew he was on his way out but it sure doesn't sound like it.

So I don't think I want to go, but it sure is hard to turn down more money and a shorter commute right now.

To top it all off, my husband's job is going to start laying people off soon, and while I am sure his job is secure now, it won't be forever. He is a writer in print media. He was just offered what sounds like a great freelancing opportunity, but the money is based on subscribers and therefore not guaranteed. He needs to move towards online and we are not sure if this is the way to do it.

Ugh

Sorry if this is incoherent, I am STILL posting from my bb. Cablevision sucks

Back to Real Life

2008-07-30T11:33:00.001-07:00

Kev is back to work this week and left on Monday for his first business trip of the season. I have a cold, a nasty stomach bug and a fever of 102. And I'm at work.

Monday night I took Amy to Friendly's for dinner and last night she had McDonald's. I dropped her off at school today with a baggie full of Kix and a box of milk.

How awful is that? The thought of cooking anything makes me want to die.

I am so thankful that she hasn't pulled her normal 2 hour nighttime routine ("I need to go potty. I need a drink. I need the light on. I need the light off.") on me these last two days and I was able to go to bed at 9 PM. He will be home tonight and hopefully not too tired to prepare a healthy meal for himself and the baby, because my next stop is pizza.

I feel really bad for looking forward to his going back to work.

In better news, we just found out that Amy is being "promoted" next week from the Toddler room to Pre-K 1. It is lame, but we are excited about it. The requirements are so vague, yet awesome. 1. Potty trained 2. Shows readiness for Pre-Kindergarten So I don't know what that means, but apparently they think she is ready. The differences in the Pre-K 1 room are minimal. The kids are older and there is more focused learning time, I think, but it is still mostly just learn through play. Also, apparently very few kids are ever promoted before their third birthdays, but my baby is awesome and special by accident of birth. Her birthday is right before the new school year starts so they want to her to acclimate before a bunch of new kids come in. She sometimes has trouble adapting to new social situations, so this will be a big help. If she goes now, most of the kids will be kids she used to know from her Toddler class. Familiar faces will make the transition way easier for her. Last year when we switched from an in-home day care situation to this school, she did not sleep for more than 45 minutes straight for 5 days. I would say we would like to avoid that.

OMG Dora!

2008-07-23T16:48:00.000-07:00

When we got there, my husband and I were horrified. Amy just about passed out she was so excited.

She couldn't tell it was some gross ass low-rent Dora. She wasn't even surprised that Dora was six feet tall.

I envy her sometimes.

We Have Found Her Weakness and it is Mexican

2008-07-17T19:11:00.000-07:00

You can read about half a million blogs about whose toddler won't eat, so I won't dwell on the frustration we have been dealing with.

But we cracked Amy's code. She will eat anything wrapped in a tortilla.

For breakfast today she had an egg and cheese quesadilla. For lunch a mac and cheese and broccoli burrito. Quesadillas again for dinner, this time with white bean puree and cheese.

That is the most she has eaten in months. I am really super excited. I know I am probably jinxing it. Tomorrow she'll probably be back to living on yogurt and french fries.

Stuck > Content

2008-07-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

Still on me BB. Sucks.

We have a modest 2 bedroom ranch in a nice neighborhood.

It is not the neighborhood we wanted when we bought 4 years ago, but it's OK. Our friend is about to inherit a nice 4 BR house in our ideal neighborhood. It is on Money Magazine's list of top 100 places to live, which I would link to if I were using my fucking computer now instead of this GD phone.

Whatever.

Anyway, first of all his grandma isn't even dead, so the entire situation makes me uncomfortable. The house is worth about $200,000 more than our house but he says he will sell it to us for whatever we sell ours for.

It's not that I don't trust Friend, because I do. Kevin has known him for 25 years and he is Amy's godfather. It is just such a weird situation. He could change his mind at any time and who could blame him? If he could get $200,000 more by selling on the open market, why wouldn't he? I know he wants to avoid some repairs that we are aware of, but it is certainly not 200 grand worth.

So I don't want to do it.
Not to mention my complete and total aversion to change of any kind.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

nonsense

2008-07-16T17:35:00.000-07:00

I am typing this on my BlackBerry because my internet connection is not working and since his job provided him with a wireless card, he does not care. I don't know how to fix it and that frustrates me.
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I can't believe I left that cry-baby post up for so long. How freaking embarassing.
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Maybe I should get Twitter. I don't know anyone irl that has it though, so who would read?
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My husband's job doesn't pay overtime, but for every hour of OT he works he accumulates 1.5 hours of vacation time. He is off for the entire month of July and I am already tired of him. Ninety percent of the things he says and does annoy me. Is that normal?
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My father has congestive heart failure. The other day when he was home alone, he had chest pains so severe that he fell over. Instead of calling 911 or even my mother, he Googled his symptoms. He thinks that *maybe* it was a heart attack, but probably not. He refuses to see a doctor

One and Done (Part the First)

2008-06-24T19:17:00.000-07:00

My husband and I have one daughter, Amy, who will be 3 at the end of the summer. We are well into the time period now when people keep asking us when we plan on adding to our family. Quite simply, we don't and people do not seem inclined to accept that answer.

I don't really feel the need (or have the time) to explain all of my reasons to them, but I will explain them to you.

I had a rough time of it. I had two miscarriages (one natural, one missed (D&C)) before we finally conceived. I spent the next twenty-odd weeks puking my guts out. I lost over 25 pounds and only narrowly missed being hospitalized for dehydration. I was pregnant in the winter, and going outside in the cold seemed to aggravate my "morning sickness." The moment I stepped outside, I would vomit. I imagine my neighbors became accustomed to seeing me hunched over my front lawn every morning, and then frantically kicking snow over the mess before I left for work. My car made me claustrophobic and I had to drive my sister's mini-van, which had sketchy heat. Zofran, being a chemo drug, was not covered by my insurance for use during pregnancy, and we couldn't afford to pay for it out of pocket. I couldn't eat; I rarely drank. I suffered.

I felt like such an asshole. I was miserable and complaining and so many people were telling me nonsense about ginger and soda crackers and I just wanted to punch them all in the face. I just didn't want to be pregnant anymore and I felt so guilty about that because we wanted her so damn badly.

We went in April for the big ultrasound and found out we were having a girl and magically, the morning sickness tapered off. It was bliss. For two short weeks.

I started having sharp pains in my side. It was almost unbearable. I changed chairs three times at work. I adjusted the lumbar support in my car and even bought one of those lumbar pillows for sitting on the couch, but could find no relief. I called my OB and they said it was the baby pressing up against my ribcage and I should deal with it. I was only 5 months pregnant, there was no way she was that big. I consulted my old friend Dr. Google and diagnosed myself with shingles. It is the first time in the history of the Internet that I actually had the random ailment Dr. Google indicated for my symptoms. But alas, I couldn't take the anti-virals or the pain meds due to my pregnancy and suffered for another eight weeks.

Wow! I sound like a whiny baby. Could it possibly get any worse?

HELLO! MY NAME IS

2008-06-21T18:07:00.000-07:00

So, hi! I am kinda new to blogging. I had a blog for a while, but I stopped posting since the only people reading it were my sister and my husband. So I couldn't say anything about either of them, and I really didn't have anything else to say.

I thought by blogging I would feel that I was a part of something. I love reading blogs, I love the tiny glimpses into people's real lives. It makes me fell like maybe I'm not a terrible mother, terrible wife, terrible sister, terrible daughter, terrible worker, terrible manager, etc...

I plan on keeping this blog the biggest of big secrets, so hopefully I can be totally candid here. I feel like I have a lot to say, and maybe if I say it, I won't be such a neurotic mess. We'll see.

I just found out I didn't know how to spell 8th

2008-06-21T18:06:00.001-07:00

It was kind of sad. I am still not 100% sure this is right.